?

Log in

< back | 0 - 10 |  
Dings! [userpic]

Requiem for the Fall

December 2nd, 2011 (11:33 pm)
calm

current mood: calm
current song: Somebody I Used to Know by Gotye

Fall is my favorite season.  It is perfect running weather, the sun is still up for a good portion of the day.  The smells are better, the breezes are delightfully warm, and the colorful scenery is enough to make me want to sit down with a book by Robert Frost!  It's football season, rugby season, and the best part of baseball season.  For those of us in school, it's a new beginning, before I'm buried in articles to read and papers to write.  Despite the fact that the end of Fall means Christmas is around the corner, I'm still disappointed.  I know it's silly.  It's not like the end of Fall happens suddenly, where I didn't expect it.  

I suppose I started my post this way because earlier this week, we had temperatures in the 60s.  Then it rained, and now we're scurrying around, removing our window air conditioners and pulling our winter bedding and heating blankets out before we freeze to death in the middle of the night.  When there's a drastic change in temperature like that, I am painfully aware that winter is creeping in.  All I have to say is, SCHADE, and looking forward to next year, especially after the extremely disappointing Eagles season and the less disappointing Phillies season.

In happier news, I ran the Philly Half Marathon a couple of weeks ago.  Yes, I finished.  No, I did not keep my pace.  Honestly, I think I underestimated how long 13.1 miles actually is when I signed up for this.  It was a good idea at the time!  I stayed with my brother in the city.  I got up before the sun came up, downed some coffee, and stretched as much as I could.  I was the last corral to start, so while the race officially started at 7am, I actually did not cross the starting line until around 7:30.  Miles 1-6 were rather good, (in terms of my slacker training schedule leading up to the race!).  My pace was steady, I was running the whole time, and enjoying the view.  Running down the center of Columbus Ave was quite an experience, to say the least.  And South St without any cars or people... rather surreal.  Anyway, by miles 7-10, I was suffering from severe stomach aches.  They weren't cramps.  It was probably the chicken quesadillas from the night before fighting back.  I'll admit, I walked quite a bit then.  Miles 11-13 were just me running on empty.  I was achy, my hands and arms were swollen, (apparently this happens when the electrolytes and hydration in one's body is out of balance), and it got to the point that I could no longer hold the water cups they were handing out.  I finished, had a pretzel, walked back to my brother's apartment, sat for a second, and then drove home.

After a while in the car, I was STIFF.  I have NEVER felt this way.  Also, my foot started to hurt.  It felt like a bruise.  My mom thought it was a stress fracture.  I refused to get it looked at, but promised to stay off it until tomorrow.  Oh, and I went to work the following day too.  It was a bad day.  That's all I can say.  My whole body hurt, I didn't sleep well the night before because my body ached so much, and then between the aches and the dehydration, I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.  Yep, just an overall BAD day.  As a matter of fact, it took me about a week to rehydrate back to where I should have been.

Haha, I just reread this last section and realized that I made it sound horrible.  First of all, my brother let me stay in his bed so I could get enough rest.  He slept on the couch.  Then he got me up when I asked him to and after rousting me, went right into the kitchen to make some coffee.  Then he walked with me to the starting line.  My other brother drove my mom into the city at around 630am, so she was there.  One of my friends from work came down to cheer me on too.  He met me at the finish line with my mom and brother.  Also, the actual running was quite enjoyable.  I like that kind of abuse!  And yes, I plan on running another one.  The Shamrock Half sounds like fun, but it's in March and probably already sold out.

There were only two negatives to this whole half marathon running thing.  First, the friend that talked me into running this with her pulled out about a week before the race. She didn't even come to cheer me on, which made me sad.  Second, I have never been so dehydrated in my entire life.  Rehydrating my body was rather difficult.  I've been a runner for a while and have always had issues with dehydration, but never to this extent.  The weird thing was, I didn't feel bad or sick.  I just felt strange... uncomfortable I guess is a better way to describe it.  Other than that, the whole experience was pretty much a blast.

I'm finally nearing the end of the semester.  While I love both classes I'm taking right now, the work load is a little crazy.  Plus, I have an overbearing African Politics professor.  He kind of micromanages like a high school teacher would.  This is a freaking graduate class!  When I choose to take the penalty and turn my paper in late, it was on purpose.  It's not like when I was in 6th grade and just forgot to finish my crab project.  I know the risks.  He asks me to stay after class a lot, more than anyone else.  He's always checking up on me, making sure everything is okay because I didn't participate as much that week as the week before, for example.  Or I turned my paper in a day late and got a lower grade, and that worried him.  It's exhausting!  His hovering stresses me more than the workload!  At our last meeting about my late paper, I finally had to say something.  I said I appreciated his concern, but he needed to trust me.  I assured him that I was not a first semester graduate student.  I'm not sure if it worked, but so far so good.  Maybe he's trusting me to keep my shit together.  I'm really not all that bad at it!  One more week of class and a couple papers and I'll be done.  I graduate in the spring and I can't wait.

Work has been heated recently.  Tensions are running high as everyone is falling behind because of so many people taking the rest of their PTO.  It is truly a shame that my company no longer allows us to carry our PTO days into the next year.  We're on a use-'em-or-lose-'em deal now.  It's just rough.  Also, because of our recent merger, many of us are working overtime.  The money is nice, but the last thing we need is to spend more time with each other!  Our dynamics are the same as any office.  We have the backstabbers, the catty gossipers, and the excluders.  As a matter of fact, if you've ever read "Orientation" by Daniel Orozco, it's pretty much like that.  If you haven't read it, I highly suggest it!  It'll make you laugh!... unless you're living it...  I learned early on that keeping my mouth shut is the best survival tip.  So that's what I do.  :: shaking head ::  And I thought I'd grown out of middle school.  Turns out, it never ends!

So end of fall, Philly half, end of semester and crazy work.  I suppose that covers it!

Oh, the German radio station I listen to at work has been playing "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye.  Fantastic.  Turns out I relate.  Definitely worth a listen.  If you're interested, you can access the German radio station through the internet at www.einslive.de.  I haven't heard Gotye on an American station yet.  Peace, till next time.

Dings! [userpic]

My Consistency is Lacking

November 6th, 2011 (09:04 pm)
content

current location: home
current mood: content
current song: Theme song to Boardwalk Empire

I'm sure no one will be surprised if I start this with, "I don't remember the last time I wrote in this!"  I'm sorry to be so cliche, but as always, every time I get back to this journal, my entire life has changed around since the last entry.  Maybe someday, I'll add this site to my favorites and actually remember my password for once!

Speaking of consistency, I'm running my first half marathon in 14 days.  I started training in the summer, but my training program has not been consistent.  It's my biggest problem with most anything.  Unless it is scheduled in my day, it doesn't happen.  I sat here wondering why I was such a good athlete in high school... it was because I attended practice every day at 245!  It was part of my schedule and I was peer pressured by my fellow teammates.  With work and school now, (and a training partner that works two jobs and is rarely around once the school year starts), scheduling training revolves around when the sun comes up and how much sleep I'm willing to give up.  I keep telling myself that it won't be that way forever, but that doesn't help me in the 14 days left, leading up to the Philly Half!

I guess the last time I did write here, I had a boyfriend who was whiny and a job that made me cry all the time.  Toward the end of that relationship, the boy made me cry all the time too.  Nothing I did was ever good enough for him.  And I always thought I had a pretty solid and fun personality!  So, surprise surprise, it didn't work out.  I always had an inkling it wouldn't, and planned to just date him for fun.  As long as I was having fun, life was good.  It ended up not being fun.  The breakup was messy and I felt like I was in middle school again!  It couldn't have been a nice conversation about how we're not compatible.  No.  It had to happen because I didn't let him hang out with his ex, (which is untrue, but didn't matter at the time).  Also, I didn't have enough friends.  The excuses were strange and I had no idea where they were coming from.  Oh, and he used the whole, it's not you, it's me line.  That just pissed me off.  Can't people ever just say what they want to say?!  I would have respected him more if he told me I gained some weight and he was no longer attracted to me!  It would hurt, but I would understand.

It took over a year, but he finally admitted that he cut it off so easily, (he had all my stuff from his house packed up in a box in his trunk), was because HE needed it that way.  HE wanted to minimize HIS pain in the break up and therefore, did what he thought would make him feel better.  I always knew he was selfish, but I didn't think he was this selfish, or childish!  I can clean my stuff out of his place without destroying things.  I had already told him I wanted the wok when we split.  And that if he was planning on breaking up with me, I wanted a fancy expensive dinner when he broke the news.  I got a Wawa sandwich in my backyard.  Bastard.

Despite the unfortunate pain that accompanies any breakup, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me.  He wasn't a big fan of who I was, and I wasn't planning on changing.  I'm back to being who I am, and it feels SO good.  I'm also enjoying being single.  I don't have to wake up early to renovate my guy's house when all I want to do is go for a run!!  I don't have to listen to him whine about his ex!  I don't have to spend my days off driving him to his doc appts or explain to him why Sunday is for football.  (It's not the only day for football, but I was lucky if I got just one!)

I saw a neurologist for my frequent migraines right before the breakup.  Turns out a lot of the headaches were a result of extended stress from the crappy relationship.  The only reason I went to see the neurologist was because the migraines were more frequent than before and more severe.  I have a wonderful preventative I take now, and cannot remember the last time I had a migraine.  It's wonderful what modern science can do!

So onto more good things!  I quit that horrendous job only weeks after my last entry.  I was followed closely by my good friend there, and the office slowly fell apart.  We were a good team.  People dealing with the office now have lots of complaints.  I guess we were just awesome.  Too bad management didn't treat us like we were awesome!  Anyway, I was out of work for several months, doing the waitress circuit, when I received an odd call from my boss at the credit union I used to work at in college.  One of his coordinators had a brain aneurism and was in a coma.  The department tried to keep up with her work, but were quickly falling behind.  He asked if I would be interested in temp work.  The call came just in time; my savings was dwindling and waitressing was getting old, fast.  

The temp job turned into a full time permanent one with a promotion and pay raise, and I've been there ever since.  My job now is less loan servicing and more legal work.  I love it.  It is low stress and low responsibility.  That equals less money, but waking up not dreading work is worth so much more.  I'm slowly working my way up the hierarchy and seem to be on the good side of management.  My reviews are still good, but now they lead to monetary increases!  (What a novel concept!)

In addition to the new job, I got into a graduate program.  I'm studying political science, (required for my desired job in the Dept of State), and will graduate in the spring.  I can't wait.  Being a student sucks.  I'm stressed a lot, I'm always behind in my schoolwork, and the end of the semester is entirely too exciting, (and short).  I think I've simply grown out of it.  I've finished paying for it, (thank goodness... just paid for the spring semester the other day!), and kind of dread when I graduate.  I'll have about $55,000 in school debt.  I know, with many of the kids graduating now, that's practically nothing, but it's still a lot for my debt to income ratio!  I have an idea how I'll pay for it, but it'll just mean less travel, which will hurt.

I've taken up photography as a hobby and am enjoying it immensely.  How do you have time for a hobby, one may wonder!  Well, it is not one that gets much of my attention these days.  I work long days, go to school twice a week, and spend all my weekends doing laundry, going food shopping, and reading until my eyes fall out.  All very exciting, but I feel it will be worth it in the end.

The accounting manager at my job has a tattoo across his stomach.  He's about my age, tall, thin, and majored in accounting.  The tattoo caught me by surprise and his flashing it was accidental, flashed while hanging something from the ceiling on our floor.  Odd little tidbit, but one that makes me smile when I randomly think about it.

This fall, I managed to find the best pumpkin beer yet.  I had had it a couple years ago at a bar in 30th St Station, but couldn't find it anywhere else.  This year, the brewer's outlet nearby had some.  It's called Southampton Pumpkin beer, and I highly recommend it!  It's only a touch pumpkin, and keeps the refreshing light beer taste.  LOVE IT.

In addition, the Mt. Holly Winery's Sangria is also incredible.  I make sure I buy a lot every fall when I go to the Renaissance Faire.  When you're older than 6, the wine and beer is really the only reason to go.  I also recommend all of those.  The meaning of fall is listed in these last two paragraphs!

Since I'm enjoying a pumpkin beer at the moment, here's to remembering my password and making more frequent journal entries!

Dings! [userpic]

It Needs to be Warm

January 27th, 2009 (04:20 pm)
depressed

current location: Work Cave
current mood: depressed
current song: 104.5 I think

Ack, there were reasons I went to college in the south.  Snow is nice, but not when I have to commute 90 minutes to get into work!

I don't even remember the last time I wrote in this thing, but I imagine a lot has happened since my last entry.  I'll vent as carefully as possible and hopefully everyone can keep up!  If not, well, I'm sure I'll be writing in this way more often since my new boyfriend checks my MySpace all the time.

This weekend was shit.  Actually, every day these days is shit.  This job gets worse and worse.  What kills me is, all they need to do is give me a standard of living raise for once, or have monetary value added to my review.  I would take it!  My review was classic.  It basically went like this: "You're doing a great job.  As a matter of fact, you're doing a fantastic job.  Keep it up, and we'll just continue to tweak techniques so you feel challenged at your job.  Oh, you might have noticed that some of your numbers (1, 2, or 3) have been lowered just a bit.  We feel that you are exceptional, but you cannot be THAT exceptional in a failing office.  That being said, thanks for all the hard work!"  Mixed messages, I think.  My poor boss gave it to me as best he could.  Sucks.  This past weekend was the first wave of a whole hell of a lot of course starts.  My kids were golden.  I had everything out.  All kids had their books, (I tracked them through the website obsessively on Thursday and Friday), knew where to go, and knew what to expect.  I had sent extra materials to the instructors so they could hand out materials to anyone who signed up late or whom FedEx screwed over.  Perfect.

Didn't matter.  All my hard work, working through my lunches last week, everything... didn't matter in the least.  One location decided to leave the doors locked.  The other one had an instructor who couldn't rent a car in time for the test on Saturday.  So I wake up on Saturday morning at 830am to a frantic phone call from a coworker.  "Please!  Proctor for us at Downingtown!"  Um, no.  I worked hella long all week, including extra time I won't be compensated for, and you want me to go down there and proctor too?!  I would have been late anyway.  I spent the rest of the weekend hating my life and worrying about Monday, which ended up being just as terrible as I'd feared.  

And finally, I decided, I'm done.  The stupidest thing ever is having to be on call when I work at a TEST PREP COMPANY.  This is not life and death, although some of the clientel might think so.  Not only did I worry about the weekend, but I had my boyfriend explain to me again how I devalue myself at this job.  Then he went into all this math and came up with, after subtracting the money I spend on transportation and the extra time I spend commuting, I actually only make $8/hr net.  GREAT.  If I didn't feel lousy enough.  Then I got out of bed and threw up in the bathroom.

By "I'm done" I mean I'm quitting in February.  I'm not a complete bitch, and will be spending almost the entirety of spring hell working here, but I planned to have my last day be February 26th.  I'm at the point where I don't sleep, I'm sick every morning, I cry on my way home, I don't eat, and I don't care about the students anymore.  I will figure something else out.  If I have to take on like 3 jobs, that's fine.  I'll do it.  I'll do anything I have to to make this work.  My mom is currently researching cheap health insurance that I can pay for separately from a job.  I'm figuring out good schedules, working through some logistics, and then alerting management.  I'll give my two weeks on February 12th.  DONE.

So, my life was going alright with the boyfriend.  I was doing a good job not falling for him.  (He was the one who was in love with his fiancee of 5 years when she dumped him two weeks before their wedding last August because she wasn't ready to marry him or something.  It might have also had to do with the fact that she was boning his friend).  Well, I think I'm dangerously close to hurting when he dumps me.  Usually things are fine.  I understand he needs to talk about his ex.  I'm his friend first.  What worries me is when he gets into how he's scared that I might just be a rebound.  Um, he's not allowed to be afraid of that!!!  I'm allowed to be afraid of that because there's no way for me to know until after he dumps me.  But he should at least know, right?  If he doesn't know, then we're all f***ed.  

He's also really good at being pushy.  I don't WANT to move in with him yet.  How is that going to be?  He tells me he's not sure why we got together so fast, and he's afraid it might be because I'm a rebound, and once he's over his ex, he'll be over me.  And then he insists that we move in together?!  Those two things don't add up.  I appreciate his honesty thing, but I hate being unsure of myself.

So now I'm back to where I was, concentrating on only the things I can control.  That would be quitting my job and making my life better.  When May roles around and my boy's lease is up, I'm going to put my foot down and tell him no to moving in together, (unless I'm feeling more confident about us by then, which is possible).  I need to be happy before I start seriously dating someone.  I probably should have held off on this one.  I just wasn't thinking.  That's all.

So while he is amazing in most ways, I will continue to hold back because I really am freakin scared of a broken heart.  I can't feel the way I felt in May of 2008 again.  It might kill me.  So I'll just continue to take it slow.  I also try to be honest with him, but for some reason, I'm really good at hurting his feelings.  I don't want to hurt him!  I just wish he would stop being so unsure about things.  It's not like we're getting married.  We're just dating.  I have no idea why he would be all worked up about things.

Um, I joined a dodgeball team.  My boy's roommate formed the team and needed at least two girls.  Yep, one's me.  Our first game is tonight and I'm really worried about it!  I haven't played dodgeball since elementary school.  I was good then, but I doubt I'm good at it now.  Plus, the boys were wussies in elementary school!  I doubt they're the same kind of wuss now.  ::sigh::  Oh life, how you mock me!

Dings! [userpic]

Lost My Faith in Another Day

July 19th, 2008 (11:10 am)
gloomy

current location: home
current mood: gloomy
current song: none

I think the last time I wrote an entry here, I was still in a relationship and planning my life around Utah, grad school, mountains, and a fun new job by fall of 2008.

Things change.

And now that I'm single, struggling with the idea of grad school, without mountains, and still in the same gut-wrenching job, I think I'm panicking.  Just as before, I've had to weigh the pros and cons.  This is an arduous task as I work to forget the last year and figure out my life again.  When I was in high school, it was easy.  Goal 1: Get out of this hell hole I call Garnet Valley.  Goal 2: Get into college, preferably far away from here so I can see and do something new.  Goal 3: Get a degree so I can actually get a good job that will pay me enough to make my life comfortable.  Goal 4: Have fun in life because I'm young still and have a ways to go.  All good things.  And I accomplished all those things, to land back home with no boy, a stressful job with a long commute, and the majority of my friends no longer here.

Great.  So I'm starting all over again.  Unfortunately, the program that I was interested in at the University of Utah is only offered there and one other place: Vanderbilt U in Nashville, TN.  Fantastic.  Vanderbilt isn't exactly a tier 5 school.  It's not tier 1 either, but I still need to be *amazing* to get in.  Crap.  I have the tools to get a kickass GRE score, (if this job gave me nothing else), so I'm not as worried about that.  My recommenders are trustworthy, so those shouldn't be too bad.  I'm worried about my personal statement, but figured honesty was the best policy and I could throw some creative talent in there, (as opposed to the terribly boring thesis I wrote last year, that wasn't allowed to have ANY creative word choice whatsoever).  I suppose my real worry is not whether or not I'm getting in.  It's whether or not I can afford it.

I refuse to take out any more loans.  I'm struggling enough with my undergrad loans.  I'm aiming for a fellowship or a teaching assistantship.  I will have paid off everything except my car and my undergrad loans by the time I plan on moving down there, so that's something.  And if I can get one of those two things, I should be set for living expenses and tuition.  And for now, it's most financially responsible to stay in this job and save as much money as possible.  I suppose that means I will continue to travel this terrible commute and save save save.

So that's where I am.  Since I can't seem to wrap my brain around anything else at the moment, (guy, apt, free time activities, etc) I suppose I'll concentrate on getting my personal statement written and finish filling out my application.  Who knows?  Maybe I can write a novel and get one of those cool publishing contracts and scholarship combos for grad school.  If only my talent extended that far.... ::sigh::

Dings! [userpic]

I love the weather!

April 22nd, 2008 (10:00 am)
accomplished

current location: Work Cave
current mood: accomplished
current song: 98.1, boss is seein if a he won a carribean cruise...

Well, I hate the heat, but being cold wears me out.  So Fall and Spring are my seasons.  The weather has been favorable lately, something I've been waiting for for quite some time.  NC doesn't really have a winter, and I miss that.  Philly does have a winter.  ::shudder::  Well, enough about the weather!

I started running again.  My body hurts, but I feel so much better.  It gives me time to think and daydream.  Unfortunately, I can't go for very long.  I have to be back to shower and get ready for work, but at least I'm doing something.  I've decided to try running in the morning.  Luckily, it's pretty light out at quarter to 6, so I don't have to worry about running in the dark.  As long as I make it back by 630 or so, I shouldn't be late for work.  I've also pulled some strengthening exercises from MSN.  Most of them are fine, and normal, and relatively easy to do.  I've been doing the "Tank Top Arms" one pretty regularly.  And the leg one is okay.  The exercise that really got me was the Ab workout one.  The article boasted results in as little as three weeks.  I'm not an expert, but three weeks sounds short in terms of fitness.  So I did the first exercise.  It's a static curl.  I lay on my back with my right knee bent.  Then I lifted my shoulders off the ground, held for 10, and let it back down.  I was supposed to do this 8 times.  When I was done, I sighed with relief... until I realized I was supposed to do that two more times, switch legs, and do three more times!  I gave up and moved on to the next one.  I lay on my side and to perform the move, I had to lift myself off so I created a straight line from toes to shoulder.  Then I had to hold that for ten, and then lower, starting at the beginning.  That was to be done 8 total times, then repeated two times.  Then I had to switch legs and do everything again.  Yeah, I couldn't even lift myself up to form the straight line from toes to shoulder!  You know you're outta shape when you can't even do an exercise.  It didn't even look that hard!  Now wonder the author of the article was convinced I'd see results in three weeks!  I didn't even make it to the last two ab exercises!!

But apparently I gotta do some crunches before I get into anything else.  Since I was running out of time this morning, I figured I'd fight with the Ab workout thingy after work instead.  I know it'll be less effective, because my heart rate won't be up, but at least I'll have time to figure it out.  Maybe I'm doing it wrong!  We'll see.

Dings! [userpic]

I'm an Adult! Yay! I mean, ohh...

April 2nd, 2008 (12:48 pm)
chipper

current location: Work Cave
current mood: chipper
current song: 104.5

My new car is amazing.  I love it.  Seems to suck down gas pretty good though.  I have to wait until I have a full tank to really see how fast it goes.  I'll be doing all those kinds of tests when I can take the weekend to stock my car, get it accustomed to being mine, etc etc.

When I called the credit union over the weekend to ask about increasing my loan by a couple hundred more dollars, (I had forgotten about tax... stupid PA!), the guy laughed.  I asked him what the problem was, and he said, "No problem.  You're approved for a $40,000 loan."  I almost dropped the phone.  I didn't think my credit was all that good.  Apparently I was wrong!  I still only asked for an extra $600 on my little tiny loan.  I felt sick enough handing over all that money to the dealership.  I couldn't imagine if it were more like $40,000 I was handing over!

Anyway, life is smooth.  The warm weather yesterday made me sleepy really early, and I drifted to sleep with warm air from outside wafting in the window.  It was wonderful!  I can't wait to have more days like that.  They make me feel brand new, a cleansing after bundling up for so long.

Okay, I'm gonna go dream about things while I'm on my lunch.  Ahhh.  :)

Dings! [userpic]

Eeep!

March 30th, 2008 (09:06 pm)
excited

current location: Newly Renovated Room
current mood: excited
current song: no music, just Family Guy

I pick up my new car tomorrow night.  I can't wait, not only because I'm getting a new car (eep!) but also because carrying around $10,000 makes me a little nervous.  I dunno if I'll be able to sleep!  And I have no idea how I'm gonna get through work.  I guess I better figure it out.  :)

Dings! [userpic]

Freitag ist Party-tag!

March 28th, 2008 (05:24 pm)
peaceful

current location: Work Cave
current mood: peaceful
current song: 88.5

            Yes, it’s finally Friday.  Luckily, the guy on my radio station who usually screams on Friday morning was not there or forgot.  That made my morning!  (Check it out sometime… it’s horrible.  The guy who gives the traffic reports on 97.3 does this screeching “yeehaw” on Friday mornings, I guess to commemorate the end of the week, but it’s a nasty sound to wake up to.)

            Ever since Jason and I had that talk, things have gotten much better.  He’s rearranging his finances and figuring out a way to come up here to visit me in about a month.  Then he’ll head out to Utah to get a place for himself, find a job, and get into going to school.  I will join him, but probably not when I’d first planned.  I’ll stay here for a little while longer.  When I do move out there, I’ll move into my own place with my dog, (and my cat, if my mom convinces me that her life would be horrible without me).  I won’t move until I have a job… unless I have some savings and can start applying while there.  We’ll see.  I have a feeling that planning to move across country right now is probably impossible.  I’m going to wait.  I think we both feel better about that.

            I have to go home tonight and get my car appraised by the dealership.  According to Kelly Blue Book, it should be worth $2,285 as a trade in.  I won’t mention that unless they’re trying to give me less.  With my $3,000 down payment, hopefully I can get a loan that won’t kill me with monthly payments.  It should be fine.  I’m excited.  My car is ten years old, and for a Saturn, that’s pretty good.  We’ve been through a lot though.  I can’t wait to show Pele how much room he’ll have.  And when I do finally move somewhere, I’ll have a vehicle to get me there.  I’m planning on getting the tow package on it too, so I can rent myself a UHaul and take my few personal belongings with me.  Eep!

            I think I’m going to head to Katrina’s tomorrow late-morning.  I want to test drive that car again and see if I can get the acceleration to be a little better.  Also, I’m gonna see if someone at the Chadds Ford Franklin Mint can help me out with my personal/auto loan.  I want to see if I can get approved for it.  I really don’t want to go through Saturn’s financing options because the cheapest option they could offer me was $204/month.  Too high!  And it was for too long, (48 months).  After doing my own research, I know I can get a lesser payment, (closer to around $187/month for 36 months).  That would be completely do-able.  Man!  I just wanna get this done!  I believe I can handle it, especially if I don’t have to pay my dad every month for the school loans he took out.  (I don’t have to start paying them again until my dad consolidates them, my mom said… much to my dad’s chagrin, I’m afraid).  Anyway, I wish I could get everything figured out tomorrow in time to take my new car to Katrina’s, but I know that’s impossible.  Maybe I’ll tell Katrina that I’m having problems with my car an… nah.  I don’t have to make excuses.  Maybe it’s better if I don’t come down though.  It would be better for me to get my car figured out and then go visit her.  I mean, what if something happens to my car on the way down?  Then I’d be out that money.

            Ugh… I wanna leave now!  Oh yeah, Emily called me today.  She’s engaged.  And she’s SO happy about it.  I’m happy for her.  I can’t imagine what her family would say if she and Pieter broke up after she lived there for so long.  She’ll be getting married in VA, so I won’t have to go too far to attend her wedding.  Maybe by then Jason will have enough money to come with me.  Of course, I shouldn’t be hoping for that far in the future.  A lot of things could change before then.  :: shudder ::  I’d rather not think about it actually!  Emily and Pieter are in the US until April 5th I think.  She’s not planning on coming to visit me so I’m a little sad about that.  It’s her turn though, for when she gets around to it.

            Haha, I just thought about those postcards we sent out last weekend from Germany.  I wonder if any of them reached their recipients yet.  I wonder if Kelly will call/email me when she gets hers.  L  I’m starting to really miss my friends.  When I move away from here, they’ll have a reason not to visit me.  But right now, they have no excuse.  I’m not really one of those people who confronts people on this, because I doubt it’s maliciousness on their part.  I still fume about it to myself though.  J  It’s just how I am.

            I’m still planning on going to grad school, and I decided on a PhD in Economics.  I would focus on Developmental Economics, (for example, why isn’t Kenya developing as quickly/successfully as Botswana?)  If I can work really hard and get a fellowship, I won’t have to worry about tuition and will get a rather nice stipend also.  On the plus side, I have completed the Macroeconomic, Microeconomic, and Calculus requirements for this degree.  On the negative side, I still need statistics and linear algebra.  Ugh.  Maybe these are the *fun* math courses.  Haha, if there is such a thing.  I’m a theory girl.  I’m still interested in working for an international company of some sort.  We’ll see.  Eventually I might even teach.  Again… we’ll see.  I never thought I’d make a good teacher.  Maybe I’m wrong!

            I can’t believe how slow this afternoon as been moving.  I need mental relief!  And I will definitely only be rambling if I keep writing in this thing, so tschuess!

Dings! [userpic]

Where the Hell is Spring?!

March 26th, 2008 (12:14 pm)
cheerful

current location: Work Cave
current mood: cheerful
current song: 88.5

I feel much better today.  I told Jason exactly how I felt about everything.  I told him he should pretend I don't exist and pick his school that way.  It would be easier for both of us.  He could go where ever he wanted, rent a little efficiency apartment/room, work parttime, and go to school, without having to worry about everything that comes with a relationship.  I can stay here, continue to save money, and hopefully move into the city sooner rather than later.  I know this doesn't sound good at all, but I feel like a weight's been lifted.  I won't have to worry about moving costs.  I can continue to pad my savings account.  As soon as we both realize that visiting each other is impossible, (he won't be willing to come here, and I won't have the money to go there), I'm not sure what will happen.  I'm sad about that part, but it would be easier to make a clean break.  For right now though, I'm looking out for number 1.  :)  I'm gonna start poking around Philly and see what kinds of apartments I can find for cheap.  There's gotta be something.  So... I made nice, and now Jason can also look out for his number 1.  I'll probably end up breaking this off in the summer or so, if he doesn't do it before hand.  We'll see.

Or maybe my dreams will come true and he'll realize that he really does want me in his life and will work with me to figure out a solution.  Don't worry... I'm not holding my breath on that.

I think my car is dying.  My dad said that it seems to be burning oil.  So I can either look for a new car, or hope that I have enough money to buy a new engine for my current car.  I hope it doesn't die soon.  I don't have that much money right now.  I could probably take out a loan, but I definitely don't want to do that.  We'll see.

I also want a new laptop.  The drives on my current one have stopped working.  The speakers have been dead since it turned 1 year.  And now, not even my headphones work sometimes.  It's pretty beat up too.  I know I can afford a new laptop right now, but then I wouldn't stand a chance with getting a new car if my Saturn dies.  Ugh.

Decisions, decisions.  I'll figure it out.  There's gotta be a way!  ;)

Dings! [userpic]

Ich muss zuruck zum Deutschland gehen... jetzt.

March 25th, 2008 (10:44 am)
depressed

current location: Work Cave
current mood: depressed
current song: too low to tell

Ugh!  I finally got all those emails answered, except for all the Bucknell ones.  Ops was changing the schedule around while I was gone, so I was getting angry emails while I was gone.  When I responded to everyone, I apologized about my delayed responses because I had been away.  (And I forgot to turn on my Out of Office thingy!!  I even wrote it up!)  Anyway, work is the least of my worries right now I think.

Last night, Jason let me know that he wasn't planning on visiting my family at all, and that they'd just have to live with that.  Grr.  I'm willing to move pretty much anywhere to be with him and he can't come visit me, while at home, for a measly little weekend?!  My family is going to be really pissed.  And I mean, really really pissed.  What kills me is, Jason doesn't seem to care at all.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm wasting my time.  He doesn't love me.  I already knew that, even though he says he does, I know it's not real.  It's not what I feel for him, apparently.  I have never once mentioned the amount of money I spend when I go down to visit him.  I've never once complained about all the extra work I have to do and giving up my Saturdays to get a day off to visit him.  But lack of money is his excuse for not visiting me.  What kills me is that he could live with Katrina and go to JMU, and that would help him save some money.  He could use all his GI bill on JMU.  Katrina wouldn't charge him rent or for food I don't think.  He wouldn't need to work or be a part of the military, but he says that Katrina would drive him insane and so he can't stay there.  So I guess money isn't really the reason for everything.  And this conclusion only leads me to believe one thing: He's trying to avoid me as much as possible.  This isn't a hard thing when there's so much distance between us.

My email last night wasn't mean, but it was dripping with my disappointment that he wasn't coming to visit my family.  My call to him last night was even less happy, which was a shame because he seemed to be in a really good mood.  I destroyed it.  He said he was going to school any way possible, and if that meant starting in the summer, two days after he gets out of the air force, then so be it.  He doesn't care who's annoyed with him for this.  They'll just have to get over it.  His email to me from this morning said pretty much the same thing except he added a little "I'm sorry I don't have more money" at the end of it.  UGH!  That infuriates me.  He knows that I do not expect him to spend money.  Hell, if we end up getting married, I'll be lucky to get a ring from a cracker jack box!  I'm not sad he's not rich.  I don't care that he can't buy me things.  And it angers me that he even made that comment.

So yeah, the email I just wrote him was basically me trying to make nice in a passive aggressive way.  I think passive aggression is one of the most infuriating ways of fighting, so I only use it when I'm trying to annoy someone.  I hope it worked.  I basically started off with how I'm willing to move pretty much anywhere to be with him, and all I'm asking for is a visit from him, even if it's just for a weekend.  I even told him I'd pay for it as long as he didn't tell me family.  In answer to his little money comment, I stated that he knew money was not a prerequisite for my loving him.  I also said that I didn't understand how a little trip to PA would throw off all his life plans.

After that was when I got to the passive aggressive part.  I apologized (which he hates) for expecting too much from this relationship.  I promised I'd stop acting like a stupid little girl and I would not bring up him visiting me (or not visiting me, in this case) ever again, and that I'd try to pass off his quick move to the west as an Air Force problem of some sort.

My last little section basically acknowledged his apprehension toward my moving out West to be nearer to him.  (I didn't say why, but I figured that all this weird plan changing, choosing places he KNOWS would be difficult for my getting a job and finding excuses not to visit my family was just his subtle little ways of telling me to back off).  I told him I wouldn't pressure him like that anymore and that I would look for an apartment in Philly instead, hopefully with a short lease in case he changed his mind.  I'm not bluffing either.  I start my Philly apartment search tonight.  It'll make a lot of people happy if I get an apartment in the city.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm not sure I can afford it, but I'll make it work somehow.

So yeah… boy problems.  I feel like I'm getting in his way.  And as if his rejection of Oregon wasn't enough, the Oregon tourist people have been sending me collateral every week.  I only requested one little map, and they have been sending me all different kinds of fun things.  It makes me so sad!  Maybe I'll move there anyway.  Why not, right?  Haha.  It would be a fun adventure, but driving out there would suck balls.  Yeah, for now, I'll stick with Philly since I have nothing else to do.

My gyno called me while I was in Germany.  Apparently, my pap smear showed an abnormality.  They need me to come back in to see if I'll need a biopsy.  I doubt it's anything serious.  The girl on the phone was really nice and said that this is very common.  I just don't like having to take another day off.  I need to try to have my gyno appointment and my ear surgery on the same day.  Ugh.  I just want my body to be normal.  Why can't I have 0 problems?  Is the abnormality the reason for my 4-day periods?  I don't want those to go away!  I also don't want to die from something stupid.  It's like dying from Dysentery in a place with a healthy (and bacteria-free) water supply.  Ugh, I hate this.  I hate doctors' offices and hospitals.  I do my best not to be so sick that extended stays in these places would not be a requirement.  It's all very unfortunate.

And no, Jason will not know.  He doesn't need to know.  I don't tell him about any of the negative things in my life.  I assume he doesn't want to hear it, and I have little doubt that I'm assuming correctly.  Since it's nothing that will harm him, I feel no obligation to tell him.

I need a release.  I brought all my stuff to go to the Y.  I haven't been there in a while.  Honestly, I'm not all that excited to go, but I know I need to lose some weight.  If it starts being light out when I get home, maybe I can run around the neighborhood too.  I just hate being on a treadmill.  I get bored really easily.  But I even remembered my music and everything, so hopefully I'll get some sort of a workout today.  I need to be different.  I'm thinking about taking Nancy up on that highlighting offer.  She says she knows the perfect highlight for my hair.  Why not?  I might as well feel pretty for once.  Sometimes I feel really pretty, but if I were thinner, I'd feel even prettier.  Maybe in the summer, I'll just switch my job to something close to home.  Then I'd actually have time to run around the neighborhood or something.  I dunno.  We'll see.

So… I don't know if I ever got a chance to write this, but I have officially changed my period rotation.  Scary, eh?  On Wednesday of this week, I'm supposed to remove the ring and leave it out for 7 days while I have my period.  Then, I insert a new one and repeat the process.  They're expensive, but I have to say, they're pretty easy to live with.  It just hurts when I have sex with it in there.  Sad, yes, but not really a problem that often, ya know?  I rarely see him, and since I won't have any days off for a while and he won't come see me, we really won't be able to see each other.  Meh.  Right now, I don't really mind.  It's kind of expected.  My stomach hurts when I think about how long it will be before I can see him again.  And then I feel stupid because he doesn't care if he doesn't get to see me again.  And then I hate myself for feeling stupid over a boy, because he shouldn't matter.  I already know I have no desire to get married anytime soon.  I also know that finding a decent guy is probably impossible.  The guys I thought were decent ended up not being so.  It really makes me worry about my judgment.  I'm obviously clueless.  I'm not excited about going to the Y tonight because I'm so tired, but it'll be good for me to actually do something.  I need to get my mind off things.  I hate feeling this way.

SO… I guess I should stop feeling so down.  I have it pretty good right now.  I guess the best way to make me smile would be to go over things that made me smile today.  My credit card debt is dwindling.  I actually had enough money to make my school loan payment for April.  Jason actually responded to my email this morning rather quickly and said something about being able to visit people in the summer because he would start school in the fall.  (He said some other things that were worse, but this is my happy paragraph!)  Everyone seemed to enjoy my Kinder Eier.  And their toys.  There was nothing terrible when I came in, but Bucknell is a clusterfuck.  I finished Outlander (which is kinda sad) but there's a sequel! that I will try to find sometime this week.

Okay… sad paragraph.  I'm back from Germany.  As much as I was cramped, I love Germany.  It's like an escape for me, probably because I know I can never stay indefinitely.  My boyfriend doesn't love me, even though he says he does.  I don't believe that he'll come visit me in the summer.  I'm telling my parents that Jason won't be coming.  They'll tell me what a terrible boyfriend he is and I'll cry.  I'm not going anywhere fun.  I have lots of doctor's appointments in my future, and they're not quick easy ones.  My ear surgery will require radiation afterward.  And I might have cancerous cells in my womb!

Yeah, so my bad paragraph is longer than my short one.  Maybe something good will happen to me in the near future and I'll have more to be happy about.  I dunno.  I think right now, I just need lots of sleep.  Maybe I'd be better off if Mario told Jason his version of what happened between us.  It's not accurate, and I will explain my side anyway, and every step of the way will hurt, but maybe it's for the best.  I have a lot of things hanging over me, and I guess that may be part of what I'm worried about.  The other thing is having a boyfriend so far away and my family continually asking after him and wondering when he's coming up to visit.

Oh yeah… my cousin Laura and her boyfriend Mike just got back from a week long vacation on some exotic island.  :: sigh ::  I'll never have that and it's depressing me.  Okay, it's almost time to go and I'm depressed now.  I hope Jason doesn't call me.  I'm not ready to talk to him and I don't think I could keep myself from answering if he calls.

< back | 0 - 10 |