Lost My Faith in Another Day
current location: home
current mood: gloomy
current song: none
I think the last time I wrote an entry here, I was still in a relationship and planning my life around Utah, grad school, mountains, and a fun new job by fall of 2008.
And now that I'm single, struggling with the idea of grad school, without mountains, and still in the same gut-wrenching job, I think I'm panicking. Just as before, I've had to weigh the pros and cons. This is an arduous task as I work to forget the last year and figure out my life again. When I was in high school, it was easy. Goal 1: Get out of this hell hole I call Garnet Valley. Goal 2: Get into college, preferably far away from here so I can see and do something new. Goal 3: Get a degree so I can actually get a good job that will pay me enough to make my life comfortable. Goal 4: Have fun in life because I'm young still and have a ways to go. All good things. And I accomplished all those things, to land back home with no boy, a stressful job with a long commute, and the majority of my friends no longer here.
Great. So I'm starting all over again. Unfortunately, the program that I was interested in at the University of Utah is only offered there and one other place: Vanderbilt U in Nashville, TN. Fantastic. Vanderbilt isn't exactly a tier 5 school. It's not tier 1 either, but I still need to be *amazing* to get in. Crap. I have the tools to get a kickass GRE score, (if this job gave me nothing else), so I'm not as worried about that. My recommenders are trustworthy, so those shouldn't be too bad. I'm worried about my personal statement, but figured honesty was the best policy and I could throw some creative talent in there, (as opposed to the terribly boring thesis I wrote last year, that wasn't allowed to have ANY creative word choice whatsoever). I suppose my real worry is not whether or not I'm getting in. It's whether or not I can afford it.
I refuse to take out any more loans. I'm struggling enough with my undergrad loans. I'm aiming for a fellowship or a teaching assistantship. I will have paid off everything except my car and my undergrad loans by the time I plan on moving down there, so that's something. And if I can get one of those two things, I should be set for living expenses and tuition. And for now, it's most financially responsible to stay in this job and save as much money as possible. I suppose that means I will continue to travel this terrible commute and save save save.
So that's where I am. Since I can't seem to wrap my brain around anything else at the moment, (guy, apt, free time activities, etc) I suppose I'll concentrate on getting my personal statement written and finish filling out my application. Who knows? Maybe I can write a novel and get one of those cool publishing contracts and scholarship combos for grad school. If only my talent extended that far.... ::sigh::