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Dings! [userpic]

T-1 day, 6 hours, 24 minutes, 32 seconds before I leave for Germany

March 13th, 2008 (03:15 pm)

current location: Work Cave
current mood: bored
current song: 88.5

I leave for Germany tomorrow!  Unfortunately, I still have to pack and finish some last minute shopping and cleaning.  I have no idea what time I’ll get to bed tonight.  I have a half-day at work tomorrow, so I can’t stay up too late.  I’m so excited.  I think my parents are more excited though.  My mom called me crazy for buying her and my dad tickets to Germany.  Whatever.  I had the money, so I just did it.  Besides, they’ll both be better for it.  My parents need a dose of something else.  They are entirely too homely.  When there’s so much out in the world to be enjoyed, I cannot in good conscience just sit here and expect them to spend their 25th Wedding Anniversary present at home.  That’s silly. 

                My host family from high school is excited too.  Apparently, their house has been all ready for the last week.  And Mama and Vanni finished buying most of the food and drink yesterday.  I think that’s what I’m most excited about.  Since Papa and my mom have bad knees, and my dad’s back isn’t all that great, I doubt we’ll do too much zu Fuss exploration.  In that case, I’m most excited about the food, because I’m sure it will be just as wonderful as before and I could use a good, home-cooked, Mama meal.  I was so happy to learn that all German food did not only consist of wieners and sauerkraut.  There is so much more delicious kinds of foods from Germany.  And those will be the ones I enjoy.

                When I was visiting Jason, I caught him at a weak moment, and he let slip that there had been a lot of girls he brought home after the bar while in Utah.  I didn’t press him on it because I was in no mood to go into my various activities while he was in Utah.  I am curious though.  I suppose it’s better not to pry, eh?  Maybe I don’t want to know.  Of course, my terrible subconscious, who likes to torture me relentlessly, put together its own string of girls it believes Jason is attracted to, and had me dreaming of that.  Disgusting.  It’s all in the past, right?  No reason to dwell on it now. 

Ugh, I wish he were here… or I were there.  Sometimes, I feel like I physically need him.  Not in a sexual way, (although, I do feel that way sometimes too), but just, needing his presence nearby.  I’ve never felt that way about someone.  It’s unnerving actually.  I don’t like not having control over things.  I especially hate feeling helpless, which is pretty much where I am right now.  Not cool.  I obviously do not share any of this with him.  He doesn’t need to know I’m deranged on top of everything else.

Columbia decided that his last Facebook post of unfair and “harsh” and, a week after that post, asked if I was mad.  I ignored him.  He waited about a week after that and asked if I was really furious.  :: sigh ::  I told him that I was ignoring him because he said it was a mistake to talk to him.  I know.  I shouldn’t have responded at all.  He woulda gone away eventually, right?  I know I’m dumb.  It’s kinda nice to feel so wanted though. 

Ugh, listen to me!  I’m a terrible person.  And when I’m evil, I’m the worst kind.  When I was in 8th grade, this guy picked on me relentlessly on the bus.  I really just let it go, and ignored him.  It wasn’t until he actually grabbed my arm so I paid attention that my rage flared up.  I said something along the lines of, “Well, now I understand why your parents divorced.  They couldn’t take you all the time, so now that they’re split up, they only need to live with you for 50% of the time.  No, no, I completely understand why you stomp around the bus making people miserable.  It’s the only place people actually listen to you.  I’d pick on people too if I knew I was the reason my parents divorced!”  Yeah, I made him cry.  I felt kinda bad at the end, because nothing he said to me upset me.  It was just annoying.  Obviously, he didn’t pick on me again.  And when my brothers started riding the bus, he didn’t pick on them either, as soon as he figured out who they were.  :: sigh ::  Okay, I have some lists to make.

Dings! [userpic]

Love, Laramie, Orbitz Woes, and Yum

March 10th, 2008 (01:44 pm)

current location: Work Cave
current mood: loved
current song: too low to tell

Ugh, I love that boy.  Every time I see him, it gets harder and harder to leave.  I almost didn’t leave yesterday!  And it’s not that immature fleeting kind of love.  You know… the kind that you get when you’re young, and you just start realizing how incredibly adorable that guy in your 4th period pre-Algebra class is.  No, it’s not like that.  It’s like a calming feeling, the way you feel when you settle into a warm bath with no where particular to be in the next 24 hours.  It lays dormant and spreads through your body, relaxing you and reassuring you.  Yes, that’s the best way I can describe.  I’m sorry if it makes no sense.  J  I was never all that good with words and feelings.  It’s the little things that really define this type of love, simple things that you don’t really realize until after they’ve happened.  For example, we were going for a drive and had our windows open because it was a rather nice day.  When I got a little chilled, I rolled my window up.  Immediately, J fixed the vents so they were exuding warmer air and rolled up his window also.  I hadn’t said a word… he just knew.  And the more I think about this, the more I realize that he’s been doing little things like that the whole time.  He listens, even when I think he isn’t.  And he remembers.  Everything I say, he remembers and waits until that piece of information is useful.

                I actually grew a pair of balls and approached the subject of Wyoming with him.  After discussing it, he crossed it off his list.  He looked really sad about it, which made me feel terrible.  I made a mental note to look at Laramie a little closer and maybe it can be a possibility.  I had also asked him if I did some research on other colleges/locations, would he consider them?  I assured him that whatever I found would have Russian studies, mountains for biking, and out-of-state tuition would be max $15,000.  He reluctantly agreed.  I have a feeling he did all this research already, and is pretty confident that I will be unable to find anything suitable.  I’m doing it anyway.  It’ll be split up into three categories: With ANG, Without ANG, Just a Job.  This is for my sanity more than his.  It’ll be nice to see all options, (cited of course, in case it interests him to look), all on one sheet of paper. 

He truly is fantastic.  He also sounds more confident about us.  Perhaps that is due to the fact that I seem less inclined to run away.  I talk like we’ll be merging our lives kind of, but that it’ll be easy to separate if he decides to go that way.  I’m not planning on going anywhere. 

But enough of that.  Now that I have you all dry heaving at your computers, I’ll move onto to my more pressing problem.  Let me preface this with a fact: I never do things ahead of time.  I am the procrastinator of all procrastinators because, honestly, the feeling of accomplishment when one completes something early and has time to relax/do something else pressing doesn’t even come close to the elation one feels when she finishes a pretty amazing project in less time than it should have taken.  That is my drug.

That being said, I went against my own nature and booked plane tickets to Germany, (departing in March), last August, as soon as I had the money to pay for them.  I am taking my parents to Germany for their 25th wedding anniversary, (that actually happened two years ago, but for which I just now had enough money for).  As the departure date got closer, I started to obsessively check the flights on my Orbitz itinerary and change the seats around, just for fun.  Since I was one of the first people to get that flight, I had pretty much the whole plane to choose from.  It was awesome.

A couple months ago, I started to notice an extra flight to Germany.  So now I had two listed flights to Germany, and one flight to get us home.  At first, I worried that maybe the airline split my parents and me up and put us on two different flights to get over there, but after checking it, all three names appeared on both flights.  I just let it go, figuring it was some fluke on the website.  Last week, something occurred to me.  What would the airline do if our three names showed up on two different manifests going to Germany?!  No doubt, with the increased security in American airports, this would send up red flags and perhaps hinder our trip.  So I called Orbitz to have it straightened out.

The first woman I spoke with was rather unhelpful in the way of figuring out why two flights showed up on my itinerary.  She explained that the airline changed the time, and that now we would not make it to Munich in time to take our connecting flight to Dusseldorf.  She suggested we take the flight leaving at 4:20pm.  This is impossible because my mom and I will be working that day.  When I called to explain this, I was given a 6:45pm flight.  I had to double check and make sure my mom could make that.  When I called back again to ask to be switched to the 6:45pm flight, I was told this flight was unavailable.  (It turns out that the airline didn’t want to give up the only seats left… because they were 1st class seats… even though it was the airline’s fault we were having flight issues in the first place!) 

It was at this point that the airline woman was upsetting the Orbitz girl so much, that the Orbitz girl patched me through to the airline.  The woman at the airline was rude and extremely unhelpful.  After she told me that the only flight I could get was the 4:20pm flight, I asked, (with an edge in my voice, because at this point, I’d been on the phone for over an hour), “You mean to tell me that there are no other flights headed to Europe from Philadelphia leaving the evening of March 14th?  Because I don’t care where we layover.”  She continued to tell me that the 4:20pm flight to Munich was the only flight they had going to Europe on the evening of March 14th.  Bull shit.  I didn’t believe her for a second.

At this point, I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere with the airline.  She started to sound like a robot, but there was no way we’d make the 4:20pm flight.  I called my mom and explained the situation.  She got frustrated and called Orbitz herself, pretending to be me to get things done.  We weren’t really frustrated with Orbitz, (except that they didn’t notify me of the schedule change until I called in last week), so when my mom got to a person at Orbitz, she calmly explained everything and tried to see what our options were.  The airline got snappy with her Orbitz rep too, so there was even an Orbitz supervisor involved.  Apparently my mom got everything worked out, and we would just be taking a later connecting flight to Dusseldorf.

I was relieved until I checked my itinerary this morning.  So far, we’re only going to Munich.  After that, nothing.  So we are still not signed up for a flight to Dusseldorf.  Not good.  If I had unlimited funds and favorable dollar-to-Euro ratio, I could just get my parents on a train and take them right into Krefeld, where my host father could pick us up.  Since that’s not the case, it would be nice of the airline to just put us on another connecting flight.  We didn’t complain when they moved our departure time back.  We were even willing to take our chances with making the connecting flight with only 35 minutes to spare.  Apparently, Orbitz can’t let us chance that in good conscience.  And we had to change it anyway.

I emailed my mom again.  I forwarded her the itinerary.  I need to learn her tactics, because she’s amazing at getting things done.  Hopefully she’ll have some time during her prep to contact Orbitz again and figure out a connecting flight.  Lufthansa has flights going Munich to Dusseldorf all day.  (I was told that the one connecting flight we were originally scheduled for was the only one available).  So basically, I did the research.  I just hope it’s enough to get to Dusseldorf when we were supposed to be there.  And I’m never going to do something ahead of time ever again.  It never seems to work out.

Speaking of that, if you’re ever on the road and need to stop for the night, hotels will give you deals if you ask them, because they’re trying to sell the remainder of their rooms.  If you book ahead of time, they’ll charge you whatever the hell they want.  Keep that in mind if you’re traveling, even if you already know where you’ll be stopping.

Dings! [userpic]

Highs and Lows...

March 6th, 2008 (05:03 pm)

current location: Work Cave
current mood: restless
current song: 88.5


So… I finally got birth control.  I’m overly proud of myself actually.  The only unfortunate part is that it’s SO expensive.  After my first ever gyno exam, (which ended up not being bad at all because my doctor is *amazing*), I made sure I kept the nerve up to ask about birth control. 

My past experiences made it difficult to do.  As a matter of fact, I had gone into the appointment yesterday with my story all worked out in my head.  It went something like this: ‘Yes, this is my first ever gyno exam, even though I’ve been sexually active since age 19.  Why?  Well, while in High Point, I saw no reason to go to the skeevy clinic there since I’d be moving home soon anyway.  I couldn’t go to a real doctor because then my mom would know I was seeing a gynecologist because I was still on her insurance.  If she knew, she would assume first that I was pregnant, or second (and no less horrible), that I was sexually active enough to worry that I was pregnant.  When I got home last summer, I got a job with benefits as fast as I could, and this was the soonest I could get in to see the doctor once my benefits kicked in.’ 

Sounds good, right?  It’s also not untrue.  I really truly did not want to go to the clinic in High Point by myself, which is what would have happened because no one down there would have gone with me.  I was also in no hurry if they ended up finding something wrong with me.  Then I’d inevitably have to talk to my mom about this.  :: shudder :: 

Luckily, neither the doctor, nor the nurse, were surprised that this was my first exam.  They didn’t ask me why I took so long to get one and they didn’t stare at me, surprised and disappointed, for letting the fear of my mom keep me from doing what was medically necessary, (like the attendee at Bunt’s place did).  That increased my confidence somewhat.  The only thing that threw me off during the whole thing was when she asked me about my family’s cancer history.  Damn.  It wasn’t totally fair, because those questions were not listed on the paperwork they sent to me ahead of time.  I did my best to remember, but my family history folder was far from complete when I was finished.

            My new doctor is a little Indian woman.  She was a talker too.  She had me set up, checked out, and done in a matter of minutes, (at least, that’s how quick it felt to me), while she talked candidly about very innocent topics, including questions every so often for me.  When she was done, she asked me if I had any other questions.  Yay!  A perfect opening, and I didn’t even have to create it myself.  What luck.  I explained that I was interested in getting another form of birth control, (other than condoms).  She asked what I was interested in, but honestly, I knew very little about the different kinds of female birth control.  I did my best to remember what I learned in health class when I was 15, and then what I’d learned when I tried to do some research on the methods more recently.  The best I could come up with was that the pill would be difficult for me to keep up with, but it was the one I knew the most about.  I even knew certain brands.  After explaining all this, I said I supposed I was interested in the pill, but wondered what she suggested.

She looked at my file and suggested that, with my history of migraines, maybe the pill wasn’t the best form for me.  She put me on the ring instead.  It’s a once-a-month thing that even came with a timer to help me remember to change it out.  Awesomeness.  The downside?  Each little ring costs $40.  Ouch.  I’ve already started looking at my budget to see where I can cut other things out and save up for this.  If I end up not having any terrible side effects, this might be a good way to go.  It beats having to remember to take a pill everyday, something I have trouble with when I’m just taking antihistamines for two weeks to get rid of a cold!  We’ll see how it goes.  I have some more questions, that I guess I should contact her with, just so I don’t screw anything up.  Haha, she also mentioned that my partner shouldn’t feel it.  I almost scoffed, and said, “That wasn’t a concern of mine.”  Instead, I just nodded, and kept my mouth shut.  Honestly, J won’t mind what it is, as long as it prevents kids, especially when those pesky condoms slip off.

My second doctor’s appointment did not go nearly as well.  I went to see a doctor from my childhood.  He was the plastic surgeon who injected a different keloid scar on my ankle and shrunk it, pretty successfully, when I was 8.  On this trip, my mom came with me.  I somehow remembered the pain of the needle, and knew, even as an adult, I would need someone’s hand to squeeze.  The doctor didn’t recognize me or my mother, until my mother made some pointed comments about other times we’d seen him.  This seemed to jog his memory.  Then he launched right into examining my ear.

Unfortunately, because the keloid scar on my ear is so big, he cannot just inject it like I’d hoped.  He’d have to surgically remove it.  This is unfortunate.  I hate hospitals enough without having to stay in one.  He assured me that I could walk in, have the procedure, and walk right out in the same day.  Okay, that sounds okay.  Unfortunately, the chances of the keloid scar coming back worse after the procedure is about 70%.  For that reason, he recommended some radiation treatment.  His tone of voice made me believe that he was trying to sell me on this, but that wasn’t necessary.  I wasn’t afraid of the pain, because the aching I’m experiencing now is probably worse.  I was annoyed that the thing could come back worse, and that there was little they could do about it.  I wasn’t worried about the radiation either.  Once he’d finished, I basically asked, Where do I sign up?  I’m anxious to get rid of this thing.

And finally, the last unfortunate obstacle to getting this removed: the probability of my insurance company paying for it is slim to none.  As soon as insurance companies hear “keloid,” they automatically assume it’s simply cosmetic and refuse to pay for it.  Trust me.  I don’t care how this thing looks.  It hurts and itches constantly.  The doctor even (apologetically) explained that he’d have to leave a flat scar on the back of my ear.  I felt bad for his apologetic tone.  I’m not all that worried about it.  It’s better than the growth I have on there now.  I am by no means a beauty contestant, nor will I ever be.  I like most of my scars because they came from sporting events, or a bike crash, and have crazy good stories attached.  This one though, doesn’t.  And it’s painful, unlike the other ones.

So before we can schedule any surgeries for the ear, I have to wait to hear from the doctor’s office, who is, in turn, waiting to hear a yes from my insurance company.  :: shaking head ::  I guess this is it for any piercings.  They’re too expensive when they don’t work out.

I’m hoping J will hurry up and make his mind about where he’s going after the air force.  By the time I’ve finished convincing myself that I can thrive in the location he’s chosen, he goes and changes it.  L  Right now, he’s hella excited about Wyoming and the prospect of not working, (as opposed to Eugene and his ANG position).  I can’t believe how sad I am right now.  I’ll just have to talk to him about it this weekend, because I know, without a doubt, that I would not be able to thrive in Laramie, Wyoming.  I’ve already looked into it.  There aren’t really any jobs for me there, the ocean isn’t nearby, it’s still far from home, and if J is gonna be riding his bike every weekend without me, there better be something there for me to do too.  I think Wyoming is another place I’m not willing to negotiate.  It’s right up there with Biloxi and Goldsboro.  The only reason Wyoming was another choice was because of the ANG position.  If that’s not a factor, there are a whole bunch of other places that are fair game.  Ugh, I feel like I’m going to cry right here at my desk.  This is no doubt resulting from the new birth control I have.  The hormones are already kicking in I guess.  I’m afraid of talking to him about this face to face because I don’t want to cry in front of him.  I don’t know what to do though.  I need to talk him out of Wyoming.  Eugene I could handle.  Even parts of SLC would be possible.  But Wyoming is too much.  If he says, “Fine, then this won’t work,” well then, I guess I have my answer.  I won’t waste anymore time on him then.

I don’t mean to sound like a bitch.  I just need to figure out what I want so I’m not dragged along with everything he wants.  My email in response to his newfound excitement for Wyoming went like this: “Um… maybe we should talk about this when I come down.  Wyoming is a little harder for me to swallow.”  That was it.  He’s not gonna like that at all, but for a girlfriend, I’m amazingly non-whiny.  I don’t complain.  I didn’t expect anything on Valentine’s Day.  Hell, I didn’t even expect anything for Christmas!  I spend all the money to visit him and don’t say a word.  He complains about money when he comes to visit me… well, that one time he came to visit me.

Have I just answered myself?!  It’s not the answer I wanted.  Maybe he’s not the guy for me.  I don’t care how rash I’m being.  Writing it here means I won’t say it out loud around him.  If he is going to make a decision to live someplace even after I said I couldn’t move there, that’s probably it.  I feel like I’ve been very flexible… maybe too flexible.  What are all those quotes about men being like children, and children liking rules?  I’m definitely going to try it.  I have to go with research though.  He respects research.  He even asked me where I would suggest.  Honestly, if ANG is no longer an issue, there are so many places he could go.  I would just have to figure out pricing.  That’s all.  I guess that’s what I’ll be doing tonight after I’ve finished packing.  I have to do something.  I’m so stressed about Eugene.  I doubt I could entertain somewhere else even further from civilization.  Ugh… it makes me sick thinking about it.

Dings! [userpic]

If you hate whining, don't even *attempt* to read this...

March 1st, 2008 (02:25 pm)

current location: Work Cave
current mood: cranky
current song: none


What have I done?  I shouldn't have spoken to him again.  I should never have apologized.  It was a weak moment I guess.  No, wait, it was worse than that.  It was idiocy and self-deprecation.  This was one of my worst decisions yet.  Colombia was making small talk through Facebook.  How was I?  What were my plans for the future?  He knew all those things from before.  They hadn’t changed… something I was sure he counted on.  He brought them up again so he could tell me how stupid I was for moving to be closer to my boy.  He was really mean.  I guess I deserved it.  :: shaking head ::  I mean, I was the idiot trying to apologize.  He basically said that I apologized to make myself feel better, not to actually apologize.  He also said that I should stop apologizing because he believes I feel no remorse whatsoever, and the word is losing its meaning.  I suppose he had every right to snap at me, mention that I'm stupid for moving to be with my boyfriend, claim that I'm a heartless bitch (though not in so many words), and ask me impossible questions.  I was actually impressed with myself.  I didn’t snap back once.  I just let his full-fledged attack hit me… and hopefully bounce off.  I tried not to internalize anything, until he told me that he was waiting until he got his chance with me again.  I didn't answer.  He asked why I didn't answer.  I said I just didn't know what to say.  He called me a liar.  Then he asked if he could get in my pants soon.  I ignored him.  He said that he was sure I had an answer to that.  I said I'm unavailable.  He said, “Now that’s what I wanted to hear.  Have a nice life, Karen.”  I responded with a simple bye.  He then voiced his displeasure at my response and that was it.  I assume he left work at that point to go home. 

Grr!  He infuriates me!  He makes me Rot vor Zorn, I think the Germans say.  I want to scream and cry and punch the walls until my knuckles bleed.  He makes me feel like such a bitch.  I'm trying so hard not to be. 

And the stupid thing is, I think part of me really misses him.  This is the part I always suppressed.  This part of me is something I’m ashamed of.  But he was always so protective and loving, when he wasn’t being whiny or mean.  That’s the only reason I can think of for why I even think of him as often as I do.  While I’m really happy with J, I sometimes wish he looked at me the way Colombia did, worried about me the way Colombia did, loved my body the way Colombia did.  I was actually a little jealous when I learned that he had a girl.  I don’t know where the jealousy stemmed from.  Maybe it was because I assumed this girl lived in Jersey and he had a better situation than I do.  Maybe it was because that girl is possibly being treated better than me in each of our respective situations.  I highly doubt I was jealous of her for having him.  Every time I think it may be that, my stomach turns, and I remember all the reasons we broke up in the first place.  I won’t be contacting him again.  Hopefully, we’ll still be in our quiet spell when I move, and he’ll have that much more trouble finding me…. If he ever wanted to.

I drove home from Media last night with my death metal turned up.  My death metal collection is not for easy listening.  I only use it when I’m angry or when I’m working out at 100%.  Last night was one of those times I really wished we still had the punching bag hanging in the barn.  The sting I felt when my dainty knuckles hit the frozen bag was exhilarating.  And my mood was always infinitely better once I’d finished mangling my hand.  I did my best not to think last night, but I still dreamt.  Ugh.  My dreams are something I’m too old to reign in.  Back when my imagination was stronger, reigning in my dreams wasn’t really an issue.  Now, I can’t seem to get a handle on things.  I ached for a call from J.  I didn’t get one.  And I was in no mood to call and wake him up.  He was never much of a conversation partner when I did that.

Ack, look at me… trying to rely on others to put me back on my feet.  One of these days, I’ll learn to stand on my own.  I have to.  My weak moments have been way too frequent lately.  I have to put my walls back up.  There’s no need to have them down while I’m here anyway.  It wears J down when I have my strong, I-don’t-need-anyone façade up.  Here though, it’s the best place to have it.  I won’t go into any of my dreams.  It’ll make ya’ll believe I’m truly more insane than I let on.

When Columbia asked why I didn’t move into Philly anymore, like I’d wanted, I told him because I was sick of the city.  He didn’t appear convinced and I wasn’t in the mood for him to accuse me of changing myself around for a guy who doesn’t even care about me.  I added that I hated the smell, the dirt, and especially the people.  That one guy actually followed me into the subway stop.  His only comment was, I could tell you why they followed you.  I said that it wasn’t like I was waving money around.  He said, no, that’s not what I was gonna say, but nevermind.  I let it go.  I didn’t need anymore of those kinds of nightmares.  It still made me sick to my stomach, especially since the protagonist in my current book was just attacked on the street.  It makes me feel really uneasy.  I dread walking around here now.  I try not to bring attention to myself.  I’m a mess, and don’t know what to do.


He decided to respond to my final Facebook message.  The first part just said that talking to me was a mistake.  :: scoff ::  Understatement.  The second part made me sick to my stomach.  I put the second part here:


I think i am at a point where i do not think we could ever be "just friends"...though i have done it with other ex gfs it just does not feel right to me...all i think about with you and being together and honestly just f-ing you...


Really?  L  Is that really where this is at?  It just solidifies all the reasons I have for not wanting anything to do with him again.  I thank myself every day for not sleeping with him.  I don’t care how mean that sounds.  Of course, the smug part of me cannot begin to describe the satisfaction I feel, knowing he wants me so badly.  Have I mentioned that I’m an evil girl deserving no sort of forgiveness ever?  Don’t worry… I know it. 

I’m actually really happy I’m at work.  Being at home would just make me feel guilty for not cleaning.  Honestly, I’d probably still be in bed, watching the same death and destruction movies I do every weekend.  I can only watch the lovey girly ones when I’m sure of my own girly happiness.  Otherwise, they just depress me.  With all the recent guilt, and after not having heard from J for the past couple days, death and destruction sounds perfect to me!

I guess it’s about time to start packing up.  Maybe one of these days, I’ll be able to write a happy entry from the comfort of my bed!  Haha, I wouldn’t hold my breath for that though.

Dings! [userpic]

Ergo bibamus!

February 29th, 2008 (05:36 pm)

current location: Work Cave
current mood: thirsty
current song: Radio... 104.5 this time?

 Okay, my first attempt at this was lost because my computer hates me.  If only I could live without it…

                It’s finally Friday.  This thought would make me do a jig around the office… except that I have to work tomorrow.  I cringed this morning as I reset my alarm.  Sucks!  But it means I get a day off next week.  It’ll be nice to see J again.  And so soon!  I was just there a couple weeks ago.  I’m gonna get tired of the drive really quick though.  Oh, the things I’d do for love.

                I just got an invitation for my boy’s sister’s baby shower.  It made me smile.  Despite the situation, I’m still excited for her.  She no longer talks to her ex (the baby’s dad), and apparently he wants nothing to do with the baby.  J’s sister still lives with his mom and younger step-brother.  She still smokes too.  J seems disappointed in her.  Maybe I’ve been reading his lack of excitement incorrectly.  Maybe it’s just disappointment that makes him not want to be an uncle or get her anything for the baby.  I know he frowns upon her smoking while pregnant.  I have to say, I don’t agree with it either, but it’s not the baby’s fault!

                The invitation came with a couple places she’s registered at, so I’m going to buy some things, (don’t worry, I’ll be reasonable!), and send them along.  I hope J lets me put his name on it.  I’d feel weird sending her something on my own.  I’m not family.  When I talked to J last night, I asked him if he’d received one.  He hadn’t.  Maybe his sis knew better than to expect his support… or attendance.  So sad.  He’s about to have a niece.  She’s due sometime in April, so it won’t be long now.  I wonder when we’ll get out there to see her…

                J passed his PT test yesterday, so he’s technically cleared completely for the ANG position in Oregon.  Once he finishes applying, that’s it.  We’ll just be waiting.  Ugh.  I hate waiting.  I feel like my whole life is about waiting.  I wait for the El, I wait for the trolley, I wait for people to get back to me, I wait for J to get accepted to everything before I know where I’m headed, I wait for all those damn traffic lights on my way to Media.  When my Brentwood aunt heard about my commute, she almost gagged.  All she could say was, “All that wasted time…” while shaking her head.  She saw it as an opportunity cost, which, I guess, was something I never really considered.  But it’s true.  My ability to get a part-time job at night was gone the second I took this one and made the decision to live so far away.  I am determined to get a job that’s closer… next time.

                Ugh… if I get another, “Wait… you mean you haven’t sent that yet?!” I’m gonna scream.  It’s not my job to send out teacher materials!  Not my job!  If it doesn’t go out, it’s not my fault!  Ugh.  I just missed the FedEx guy.  Sucks.  He never comes earlier than 4:30!  My mood is quickly turning sour.  I need a beer.

Dings! [userpic]

Beer Tasting Goodness!

February 28th, 2008 (12:22 pm)

current location: Work Cave
current mood: annoyed
current song: Radio... 88.5??

So IrishD found this beer tasting festival going on in the city this weekend.  Yay!  Except that it's sold out.  Schade.  The best we could figure out was to enter the contest and see if we could win some tickets.  We'll see how it goes.

I suppose, since this is my first entry, I should make a little introduction.  I'll try to make it short and sweet.  I moved back home after graduating from college last Summer.  I worked for about a month at my part time, when-I'm-at-home, job until it just wasn't enough money.  Since I did not get into law school, I had to find a job that would cover my undergrad expenses, due in less than 6 months.  I now work for a test prep company fielding all customer complaints.  It's as terrible as it sounds, and the commute isn't really worth it, but it pays the bills.  I no longer have much in common with my close-knit extended family, so weekly dinners at my grandmother's house are tedious.  My parents, luckily, are just like a couple roommates who work as often as I do.  My brothers are at school in VA.  So most of the time, I have the house to myself.  I have a boyfriend who is stationed with the Air Force in NC.  He'll be out sometime in May, but the distance is excruciating.  Sometimes, it's bearable, especially when I can make it there more than once every couple of months.  I have a dwindling group of friends from high school.  Most of them have figured out that there is so much more outside little GV, and have the financial means to leave.  Luckily, I have increased my friend pool slightly since I've been home.  I usually have a lot of trivial things on my mind because thinking about the big things can drain me.  Sometimes they'll end up here too though.  Since starting this full time job, other things, like my music, athletics, and writing, have fallen to the wayside.  The beginning of this lj, I guess, is my attempt at getting some of those things back.  Daumen Halten, ne?

So... onto me and my current thoughts...

I've been having a recurring dream for the past two weeks or so.  It starts out simply enough, with my boy, J, and me at a bar in Goldsboro.  We're laughing, drinking, having a good time.  Then, another guy, usually someone with no face, will come up and proclaim his love for me.  J abruptly gets up from his stool, and leaves.  I call after him, trying to explain that I've never seen this guy in my life, and that I only love him.  He then turns, right before exiting, looks at me with a disgusted snarl, and says, "I was never good enough for you.  Maybe you made a mistake staying with me.  Why don't you just date him instead?  He's probably better for you anyway."  And then he leaves, disappears.  No matter how much longer I stay in my dream, roaming around, I can't ever find him.

:: shaking head ::  I know.  I'm insane.  I've actually stopped explaining any of my dreams to my boy.  He claims that he never dreams, and listening to mine seems to bore him.  The other night though, he mentioned that he dreamt that I broke up with him, and left him, empty and alone, in NC.  I mentioned at that point that I dreamt about him breaking up with me all the time.  My voice was very matter-of-fact, forgetting that I had kept this from him, not purposely, but just out of habit.  When he didn't answer for several seconds, I stopped what I was doing and realized what I'd let slip.  After his pause, he said, "You never mentioned that."  He actually sounded kind of disappointed.  It's not a problem.  I won't slip again.

I guess, on a good note, J said that for Univ of Oregon, he doesn't have to write an essay.  He seems pretty confident about getting into UO and about getting the ANG position he wants.  He also mentioned that there are now three open positions and that the officer he spoke to said his medical records indicated that he was medically acceptable for the position in Oregon.  These are all good signs.  He's planning on moving to Oregon as soon as he's discharged.  That means he won't be visiting me in the summer.  I really hope he doesn't go back on visiting my family this spring... again.  I'd have trouble explaining that and continuing to make him out to be the good guy.  It just wouldn't work out for me.

My email back to him this morning was kinda short.  The first couple lines I wrote were kind of harsh, so I tried to explain that I wasn't in a bad mood at all, just tired from the long commute this morning.  I'm anxious for the weekend to be here.  Although, the week has gone by rather fast.  I'm impressed by that.  He actually got online too and talked to me on AIM.  Weird, eh?  He hasn't been on AIM in forever.  He sounded normal, but my responses were muted, and not as happy as I would have expected them to be.  I felt bad.  I was trying though.  I try to be happy around him all the time, I guess to prove that this can work.  Some days though, I'm just so exhausted that I don't want to try.  Those are the days I don't really get to talk to him.


So… I apologized to Columbia via snail mail letter.  For some reason, he started talking to me through Facebook email.  It felt too easy actually.  I wished him a happy belated birthday, and he said he would claim his gift from me "when the time was right."  Sexual connotation?  I think so, but then I thought I was just being stupid.  He started looking at all my profiles (Facebook and MySpace), and started making comments about things on them.  Like, when I was sad about J a couple months ago, I changed my relationship status to "swinger."  Columbia asked when I'd become a swinger.  I told him I put that up so long ago that I didn't even remember that it was still there, but that I wasn't really a swinger, that I was trying to be good and change some things around.  He asked if the swinger thing was what the changes were in my life.  I said not really, but that I was trying not to be swinger-isch.  He said he must have missed that because he couldn't get me to put out.  Ouch.  Then he asked if I was still with my "army" guy.  I ignored his question at first, because that was when I realized why he all of a sudden started talking to me again, and just answered his other questions.  He noticed, and asked again.  I just told him yes.  He said, "Cool.  talk to you later…"  I have a feeling he blocked me on AIM.  He hasn't grown up!  It's stupid, because he said he was in a relationship with someone who really cares about him.  That made me happy because maybe we could actually be friends.  I always really did have a lot of fun with him... when he kept his hands to himself.  It also makes me a little uncomfortable that he sounded so eager about the possibility of my being single.  Would he drop the other girl just like that?  :: snapping fingers ::  Or was he eager for the opportunity to make me jealous?  I dunno.  It really hit me the wrong way.  I doubt he'll talk to me again for a long time, but at least I apologized.  It still makes my stomach turn when I think about what I said to him about not really loving me.

So... that's that.  I try not to think about Columbia all that often.  The whole situation makes me angry.  I hate that he assumed I was contacting him because I wanted to get back with him.  Add this fact to that damn dream I've been having, and it seems I'm incredibly unsure of myself right now.  Not good.

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